Shocking exclusive shallow investigative report:
Thanksgiving is in jeopardy of losing its status as a holiday.
According to unreliable sources (my own imagination), there was trouble when the Boss of All Holidays did an annual performance review of Thanksgiving.
Here is the Boss’s evaluation obtained from an informant who had big enough brussel sprouts to feed us the inside scoop.
Decorations: How many variations are there on a turkey, cornucopia and corn stalk? Giant Halloween pumpkins leer down at natural looking artificial Christmas trees in big box stores, tempting shoppers to buy more adornments for these highly decorated holidays.
Food: Let’s face food facts. Thanksgiving is a pause between Halloween candy and Christmas cookies to force down some vegetables. We do manage to sweeten up sweet potatoes with marshmallows, but what about the turnip and parsnips? And the waves of nausea as quivering Jello salads with mystery crunchies make the rounds?
Productivity: Maybe the women of the family are active slicing, dicing and basting, but overall the family’s buns are firmly settled on the sofa. Watching parades and football, followed by tryptophan-induced naps, do not cook up motivation.
Rating: Low with simmering resentment from cooks and dishwashers
Profitability: We associate Thanksgiving profits with 1) Black Friday, which is really about Christmas; 2) gravy, but not the kind you put in the bank. To make matters worse, the date varies from 11/22 – 11/28. Do you realize how horrible it is for Christmas when the holiday lands on 11/28, robbing this gift buying frenzy of six whole days? And when you pause to give thanks for what you have, how can you focus on your unsatisfied desires?
Rating: So poor, it doesn’t even show up on a pie chart
Safety: The avian flu has spread through this years’ fresh turkey population, killing off millions. Apparently, the disease has not affected the frozen turkey supply, casting suspicion on the age of this culinary demographic. How many years has Tom been frozen to miss out on this scourge? How do they protect the future frozen turkeys of America?
Family Ties: For Halloween, we have fun dressing up in disguises, and at Christmas, we focus on gifts. At Thanksgiving, there is no buffer at the buffet to prevent diversion with fists. Would family bonds be stronger by eliminating this gluttonous, knife-bearing get-together with loved ones who have a wishbone to pick? And tongues sharpened by shots of Jack Daniels?
Based on preliminary findings from this evaluation, could Thanksgiving hear these chilling words?
“We are going to have to let you go.”
I am personally outraged at this possibility, since I love turnip, and sharing political beliefs with family at high decibels. With this year’s controversial presidential campaign, the projected crop of outrage will be bountiful, along with a horn of plenty brimming with material for future therapy sessions.
If you need some humor to starve depressing thoughts of no more turkey leftovers, check out a clip from one of my favorite Thanksgiving sit-com episodes.
How do you rate the Thanksgiving holiday? What are some of your favorite things about it? What would you say to the Boss of All Holidays in its defense? What is your favorite Thanksgiving sit-com scene?