It resonated with me. Because I’m Irish. And St. Patrick’s Day is this week.
As with all sweeping decisions this ban has had some unexpected and devastating consequences.
- Exploitation of American children. There are not enough little people in the world to impersonate leprechauns, particularly with such short notice. So we’ve had no choice but to enlist our youngest citizens as leprechaun replacements. While they are natural mischief-makers, exposing them to this degree of revelry is wrong on so many levels.
- Children working overtime in third world countries. Along with a shortage of leprechauns, there is a shortage of their specialty clothing. It is inevitable that children who normally work 80 hours per week in Bangladesh will work overtime to produce wee jackets, hats, and breeches that will be a perfect fit for our youngsters. These ambitious children haven’t worked so hard since the costume making frenzy before Halloween.
- Pots o’ gold deficiency. Without leprechauns, there are no pots o’ gold. Rumor has it that the United States lottery system is going to fill pots with fake coins, promising there will be one gold coin in every 8,787,328 pots. That ought to be sufficient odds to keep America hoping, right?
- Rainbow ban. Apparently President Trump listened to the words of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ and realized it was encouraging immigrants to come to America with all those promises of blue skies and dreams coming true. Now the pots o’ fake gold are found at the end of a wall that never ends.
- There is unrest at the North Pole. Santa and his helpers are getting uneasy at the thought of banned elves. Could the Elf on the Shelf be next on the hit list of outlawed pixies? Their presence is essential to a profitable Christmas season since these adorable spies inhibit children’s naughty behavior, ensuring that Black Friday doesn’t go into the red. This risk is magnified now that children are well versed in the antics of leprechauns (see above).
- Moratorium on the import of Guinness. Touted as un-American and leaving an acidic aftertaste, President Trump placed a moratorium on the import of Guinness. Can this be the final blow to the traditional full-scale St. Patrick’s Day drunk fest?
- March on Boston. Since Boston has the highest percentage of Irish ancestry a March on Boston was a logical forum to exhibit the concerns of Irish citizens whose right to celebrate the St. Patrick’s Day is in jeopardy. Apparently President Trump was moved by the demonstration and nearly lifted the ban on leprechauns until he saw a contingency of Mexicans waving their green cards in solidarity.
- Green card ban. Seeing all those green cards triggered a surge of nausea for President Trump, prompting him to issue a ban on green cards. From this point forward all cards granted to foreign nationals allowing them live and work in the United States will be orange.
Austin, being the modern philosopher, is taking this philosophically. But my Irish dander has donned boxing gloves, and even without Guinness to bolster my courage I’m ready for a fight.
He and I are planning a grassroots campaign to save the traditions of St. Patrick’s Day and we’ll discuss strategy while sipping pints of forbidden Guinness before the last keg kicks.
Meet us at Paddy Murphy’s in downtown Bangor, Maine if you’d like to join our efforts to ‘Make America Green Again!’