Taking stock of my metabolism

This is the one year anniversary of the ‘flash crash’ of 2015 when the American stock market surrendered $2.1 trillion in value over a six-day losing streak. This had people concerned, fearing a future of rummaging through bins of dented cans to meet their recommended daily allowances. If you are like me, understanding the complexities of a market correction is as baffling as reading a prospectus.

I sympathize with investors who worry about shrinking portfolios, but I am confronting a serious personal disaster that has more to do with inflation: I have an underperforming metabolism.

It turns out while others may mourn losses from risky hedge funds,  I have been realizing capital ‘gains’ in my ‘piggy’ bank.  And my assets are growing out of control!

piggy bank Molly 4

I’m getting great returns on this investment

When I was a baby, Carnation Evaporated Milk and Karo Syrup had deep enough pockets to convince my mother’s generation that this concoction was superior to breast milk. It wasn’t my fault (or my mother’s) that suckling on this sugary formula altered my brain chemistry, setting me up for carb cravings as powerful as a bull market.

During a period of aggressive growth, I bought into commodities like devil’s food cake, Mom’s apple pie, and Twinkies. I never gave much thought to balancing caloric debits and credits. When I wanted to drop a few pounds I simply skipped dessert for a few days. My mitochondria were slaving away 24/7, working harder than migrant workers in a blueberry baron.

But suddenly I was shocked into facing this reality: I was the victim of a metabolic correction. I continued to eat, drink and frolic in rich dividends, while my energy requirements bottomed out. And the waste applied itself to my waist.

Even social security doesn’t declare someone in my generation fully vested until age 66. Who presented my metabolism with the option for early retirement?

I was on the verge of a full-blown depression, when a co-worker updated me on the latest research about ideal body mass index (BMI) for ‘mature’ adults. It seems that a BMI of 18.5 – 24.5 does not provide security for those over 65. Instead the key to a longer life is BMI diversification in the range of 23 – 33.

My metabolic correction was actually protection against premature death and a long-term relationship with Jennie Craig.

Now that I’m not doomed to a lifetime of Special K, I’ve turned my thoughts toward plumping up my 401K. And like an answer to a prayer, I just got an email from a nice person from Nigeria offering me some fabulous returns for a one-time investment.

While I wait for the money to roll in, I’m washing down some blue chips with a Sam Adams, knowing these empty calories are contributing to my longevity.

How about you? Have you found the upside to your metabolic slowdown? How is your risk tolerance for metabolic swings?

©2016, Stevens. All rights reserved.

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18 thoughts on “Taking stock of my metabolism

  1. Oh my goodness this post was brilliant! I don’t get hedge funds and all of that, but metabolism I do understand. And that BMI stuff is just as confusing to me (and I’m a nurse!) However, now I am craving devil’s food cake and a Twinkie.

    • As you should at your age! Contrary to popular belief, you CAN be too thin. But not too rich; that old wives’ tale still stands. Thanks again for reading and stopping by! I am honored to have you read and comment since I admire your work so much.

  2. Now that’s a story to read to ready up for a long weekend. Yes, funny but with lots to truth! I love your sense of humor and join you with your blue chips and cool fuzzy hops. Happy weekend 🙂

    • Glad you are all in for the blue chips and hops! We must not waste any time getting our BMI up into the healthy range, and what better time to do so than a holiday weekend. Thanks for stopping by and hope to ‘see’ more of you. Literally. 🙂

  3. I have never had a weight problem at all …. but decided to get in shape this year by joining the gym. I have gained 15 lbs since I joined in January. And no, it’s not muscle 🙁

    • That is exactly why I don’t join a gym. Thank you for the reinforcement. Exercise is great but it does not result in weight loss for me, since I liberalize my diet way above and beyond what I work off in exercise. I hope you love your 15 lbs like a sister and embrace all of you! If you want to lose weight in the future, you might want to ‘lose’ the gym membership. Thanks for stopping by.

  4. Hilarious – what else can I say but LOL (although LOL is apparently not the thing to say anymore – I really did LOL). Honestly can’t think of an upside to my post 50 metabolic disappointment. After reading that the only thing to rev it up is excercise, I filled my house with treadmills and cross-trainers and steppers and weights etc etc. I use all of them feverishly and manage to keep my thighs under reasonable control. I loved this post – brilliantly funny! Thank you for helping me laugh in the face of wobbly body parts!

    • I am so happy you LOL’d when you read this post. Ann Lamont has a given each of her buttocks a separate name, and refers to them with affection. Let’s embrace our beautiful ‘mature’ bodies, and think up some great names for our wobbly body parts. 🙂

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