I feel sorry for The View, having lost sponsors due to their naive banter regarding Miss America candidate Kelley Johnson, whose talent was a monologue about her profession as a registered nurse.
I am one of the millions of nurses whose blood pressure spiked when I watched a replay of the offensive segment. But since compassion is in my DNA, I don’t want The View to end up in critical care, so I’ve come up with some appropriate new sponsors to prevent a “Code Cancel. ”
- Dove soap: With Eggland’s Best crusted on their faces, Joy and Michelle need to promote a beauty bar that will cleanse and soften, even if it only penetrates the epidermis. Since the dove is also a symbol of peace, this will be a double win for the show.
- Cepacol: Nothing removes the bad taste of toxic remarks like a strong antiseptic mouthwash.
- Aricept: Joy wondered why a nurse would be carrying a ‘doctor’s stethoscope,’ making her a perfect spokeswoman for this Alzheimer’s drug. Let’s hope as things progress, she doesn’t find herself being cared for by a nurse who wields both a stethoscope and a restraint.
- Reflex hammer: These ads will show a nurse doing a neurologic exam on Joy, who had a stroke when she saw a nurse with a reflex hammer. Is it possible the stethoscope was a gateway assessment tool for nurses who have been stealing from the doctor’s bag? What’s next? Tuning forks and otoscopes?
- Calcium supplements: Maybe if Joy had been taking these, her backbone would have been strong enough to issue a more convincing apology. She should also take vitamin D, to enable calcium absorption. This is a little something nurses learn when they study biochemistry, anatomy, nutrition and pathophysiology.
- Duct tape: Now that Cepacol has freshened up their mouths, I’d like to see Joy and Michelle advertise duct tape. When they are tempted to mock nurses or any other esteemed profession, they can apply a fresh strip.
- Artificial tears: If Joy had used these when she issued her apology, we might have bought her attempted sincerity. Nurses have a ready supply of natural tears, shed while witnessing birth, death, devastation from accidents and illness, and hard-won victories over supreme challenges.
I wish the best for Joy, Michelle and everyone on The View. I do worry that if they show up in the ER clutching their chests, a nurse will recognize them and walk ever so slowly to their gurney. Just kidding, of course a nurse would not do that, even if he or she REALLY wanted to. To be on the safe side, I’m going to send them a link to enroll in the “Healthcare Victim Protection Program.”
What suggestions do you have for new sponsors for The View?