The other night Patrick suggested we have pizza, and I wasn’t in the mood for it. I decided to go along with him, and once I smelled it cooking and the steamy pie was before me, I dove in and thoroughly enjoyed it.
In America we LOVE pizza. Every corner store is selling it and frankly, it’s not the quality of the pizza that really matters; it’s the quantity and the desire for it that is important.
I began to worry that my lack of spontaneous desire for pizza was abnormal. Then I heard about Pizzapie-agra for women, and realized I was not alone.
Hypoactive Pizza Desire Disorder (HPDD) is real, and the Pizza Pie Administration (PPA) finally released a pill to treat it after two failed attempts.
Pfepanserin (brand name Pizzapie-agra):
- The F is silent and represents all Females except those who testified in front of the PPA about suffering from this debilitating, untreatable condition.
- P(f)ep is for pepperoni.
- Anserin,”Yes, I want a pepperoni pizza. “
The American Pizziatric Association (APA) has some boring research demonstrating that some people (mostly men) have a spontaneous desire for pizza. And some people (mostly women) desire pizza in response to reading the menu, and lighting a pizza scented candle.
Thank goodness the PPA didn’t invite the APA to the “All You Can Eat Pizza Buffet.” Those nerdy party poopers could have changed the 18-6 decision to release the drug into a 24-0 vote against it.
And we women would be left to grapple with the fact that our dysfunction is actually a variation of normal, with no chemical to make us more like men.
Now that Pfepanserin is available on the formulary, I decided to get some. Unfortunately, I don’t qualify even though studies show my age group would benefit. It is only approved for women who are pre-pizzapausal.
At first I felt bad about my exclusion, but then I heard about the drug’s limitations and side effects. With the promise of only 1/2 to 1 additional satisfying pizza experiences per month, is Pfepanserin worth its copay?
Have you ever eaten only 1/2 a pizza? Do you feel like having pizza when you are tired, dizzy, nauseated and headachy? With prohibition of alcohol, can you imagine pizza without a cold beer?
I’ve decided to follow the advice of my doctor, who practices evidence based medicine, and reads dull medical literature on my behalf. She encouraged me to rescue Pizza Hut flyers from the recycle bin, and stop fast forwarding through pizza commercials.
I have to say these strategies have really worked. We have pizza more often and here is our typical Pizza Hut order:
- Appetizer: Twisted Crust Pizza and Bread Sticks In One with dipping sauce
- Entrees: Meat Lover’s Pizza for me, and Ultimate Cheese Lover’s Pizza with Seriously Stuffed Crust for Patrick.
Our differences don’t matter. We both end up satisfied.
What about your desire for pizza? Is it spontaneous or responsive? Do you think you need a pill?
Non-disclaimer: Any similarities between Hypoactive Pizza Desire Disorder and Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder are fully intentional.
To learn more about HSDD and FDA’s release of Flibanserin, check out this blog “The Dirty Normal: Better Sex Powered by Science,” and Stephen Colbert’s hilarious report from The Nite Show.