Donald Trump is fixated on building a structure between the United States and Mexico. But I have an alternate proposal for our wall-loving president. We need to separate the U.S. from Canada and not for the reason you might think.
I like my Canadian neighbors, and I‘m proud of my ancestors who descended from their honorable citizenship. I appreciate the freedom to cross the border for visits to reinforce our friendship.
What I oppose is the air they send our way, and that’s why I’m recommending not only a wall but an insulated one. This year’s Maine winter has been harsh. And I’m sick of seeing weather maps with arctic blasts advancing into Maine without restraint.
As far back as I can remember, the words ‘Canadian air’ in the forecast ushered in cold, snow, and hopelessness. Is it too much to ask to deport this unwelcome, blustery alien and prevent its future entrance?
Convincing Trump to redirect his attention to our northern boundary will take effort. Here is a draft of a letter I’m working on to send to number 45.
Dear President Trump,
I support your mission to make America great again. And I have an idea that will contribute to this goal for those of us living in northern states. I propose building an insulated wall keeping Canadian air in Canada where it belongs.
I know Justin Trudeau advocates thinner borders between us. But that’s because he is so hot, he’s insensitive to how his country’s frigid gales lower our temperature.
The steamy prime minister could provide relief for Canadians, too, by shielding them from the tundra. I’m sure Quebec would protest since winter carnival is famous. But they could still enjoy a celebration inside their prolific ice rinks.
I know it’s hard to imagine our dilemma as you peer at a view, devoid of offshore drilling while playing golf in Florida. But take a look at your hands – your ‘normal, good-size, great, fine, slightly large hands.’ And imagine how they would look when exposed to below zero digits. They would wither into tiny, delicate hands, along with other body parts.
To please those who dream of a white Christmas, we could wait until after December. Then we could construct the wall with free snow produced in Canada. In the summer the wall would melt. And we could host a barbecue, celebrating warmer relations between our two countries.
I do have one concern. Can we get enough American workers to withstand the rigors of this grueling work? Would it be okay if we hire Mexicans to lend a hand?
Frozen but hopeful
Do you have any suggestions for my letter before I send it to Washington?