If I was in charge of holidays

I’ve been in a rut lately, and suddenly it seemed like an eternity since I’d had a break from work. When I calculated the duration between New Year’s Day and Memorial Day, which is the next holiday my company observes, I exclaimed, “Holy 148 days Batman! That is a long time between holidays!”

I don’t like to highlight a problem without proposing a solution, so here’s my revised holiday schedule.

Photo courtesy Pixabay, edits by author

January – How much more fun would New Year’s weekend be if you knew you had three days to party, make resolutions, and get your paperwork organized for tax season? Yes, that’s right. I’m proposing we commemorate the New Year on the first Monday of January.

February – Not everyone observes Presidents’ Day, but they do watch the Super Bowl. Half of the country is elated and needs time to watch highlights while the other half needs a bereavement day. If we had the Monday off after Super Bowl, I believe everyone would be productive and ready to focus on Tuesday morning.

March – Let’s start a three-day bash on the third Friday in March to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Then we’ll have two days to recover so we’re capable of returning to work Monday long enough to resign. Provided we actually found the pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow, that is.

April – Good Friday and Easter Monday. This is the biggest Christian holiday of the year and even if you aren’t Christian would you oppose stretching your Easter egg hunt over a four-day period? Added bonus: time to polish off twenty-pound solid chocolate bunny you bought for your grandsons that you decided not to give them because you know how bad sugar is for their health.

May – Memorial weekend is long awaited since it is possible it has been 148 days since your last holiday. If you aren’t hospitalized with an acute psychosis this is a fantastic opportunity to honor the beginning of tourist season.

June – It is a crying shame to work the longest day of the year. I propose basking in sunlight the Monday closest to Summer Solstice, absorbing enough Vitamin D to prevent future absenteeism due to brittle bones.

July – Our nation was ‘born’ on July 4th but do we have to be so literal? Would the Founding People be upset if we celebrated on the first Monday of July? I believe they would favor boosting America’s battered morale with three days of parades: one for democrats, one for republicans, and one for supporters of Bernie in 2020.

August – Hallmark invents holidays to sell cards and gifts and Hershey joins the festivities. Let’s follow their example and forge a BBQ holiday to hike sales for meat and BBQ sauce. This would also give us respite from the incessant candy binge associated with the traditional holidays.

September – I can’t improve on Labor Day weekend and thankfully it is always on a Monday. This gives me time to grieve the passing of summer alone in my room. Without having anyone ask questions about why my eyes are red and swollen.

October – Columbus Day is controversial, so let’s ditch it and start celebrating Halloween with a haunting four-day weekend at the end of the month. This would balance the April Easter holiday by including something for pagans.

November – day off after Thanksgiving for everyone. Black Friday is not a single day but lasts four weeks between Christmas and Thanksgiving and beyond. I think retail workers should have two days to relax and let their turkey dinners settle before they suffer heartburn facing frenzied shoppers.

December – Have you ever had your birthday party on a weekend instead of your actual birthday? Wasn’t it more fun? Do you think Jesus would care if we celebrated his birthday on a Monday? An added bonus would be having Christmas eve off since we aren’t the perkiest poinsettias in the floral shop that day anyway.

While on the subject of birthdays, shouldn’t we have our own birthday off? Well, not our actual birthday of course. After celebrating our weekend party we could hang loose Monday and eat cake for breakfast.

Who wants to sign my petition and join the movement to “Make America Relaxed For a Change?” What are your suggestions for an improved holiday schedule? 

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29 thoughts on “If I was in charge of holidays

  1. Okay, where do I sign? I’m especially fond of the November proposition – anything that tries to combat the out-of-control commercialism of the holiday season gets a big, “Hell YEAH!” from me! 😀

  2. I am enjoying reading your posts so much I just hit the subscribe button. I would like to invite you to share your writing at the Senior Salon on Wednesday. I am sure everyone would welcome your creativity.

  3. I propose holidays specifically for Customer Service because while everyone else is off enjoying every holiday of the year, Customer Service is ready to answer your question. Phone fall in the toilet after too much partying? Call Customer Service. You’re too drunk to remember where you put your credit card? Call Customer Service and report it stolen. Cable won’t work? Call Customer Service and blame them because you broke your remote and don’t know how to work a TV. The list is endless and I’m sure any person in Customer Service can tell you about the 100 silly, unimportant calls they receive on holidays just waiting for that one, true emergency.

    • I think that is a great idea, Jennifer. Customer service has got to be a job that takes a tremendous amount of self control. I fear I would have a permanent holiday after I reached through the phone and strangled someone!

  4. We’re very lucky in the UK, Molly. New Year’s Day, Good Friday, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day are the only bank holiday’s that don’t always fall on a Monday. All our other 4 bank holidays fall on Mondays, and when Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Day fall on a weekend, we get the following Monday (and sometimes Tuesday) off. In much of Europe that doesn’t happen and they loose out if a bank holiday falls on a Saturday or Sunday.
    In Scotland they also get the 2nd January off, but the rest of the UK, doesn’t. However, UK companies are very generous with the number of Annual days leave they give. The minimum is 20 days. In my last job I got 30 days annual leave as well as all the bank holidays off. However, they always went very quickly.

    As for birthdays and having your birthday off as a bank holiday, that’s a great idea. However, in your petition, don’t forget about us folk who always have a birthday on a bank holiday or, even worse, only have a birthday once every 4 years on Leap Day. ?

    • I’d say it’s more than luck that gives you so many bank holidays that fall on a Monday, Hugh. I would call it intelligent planning and consideration! I knew I was born on the wrong continent when it comes to having time off from work. I earn a few hours each month which goes into an earned time bank and from it I withdraw hours for holidays, vacation and the occasional (and luckily rare) sick day. Being a newcomer to this company I’m at the bottom of the earned time pool and by the time I have my next week long vacation, it will have been 10 months since my last one. (I take a few moments here to cry).

      Anyway, as for birthday’s off, you raise an excellent point about birthdays falling on holidays or every four years on leap day. We must definitely account for that by making sure one’s birthday is a floating holiday making it a celebration that can occur any time at the discretion of the celebrant!

  5. These have some great merits to them. Years ago in college, in a class I took, we had to create a festival around a two-week holiday around Christmas and New Years. It was a lot of fun to write and dream up ideas…but I was 21 then and had no clue about the real world of work. Many companies give their staff the whole week off between Christmas and New Years, which makes sense…who works those days anyway except retailer and restaurateurs?

  6. How ’bout we just have EVERY Monday off and celebrate whatever we’re in the mood to celebrate–the ultimate in personalized holidays? Sure, some people might complain that it wouldn’t feel as special, that we have to commemorate something if it’s going to be a REAL holiday. But I think having a 3-day weekend every weekend would be pretty darn special, don’t you?

    • I like your thinking Roxanne. I really need to start dreaming big. In my last job I had every Friday off so had a 3 day weekend every week and if a Monday holiday it morphed into a 4 day weekend. Ahhhh. The good old days. I’m looking forward to a day in the near future when I have ALL the days off and don’t even know what day of the week it is.

  7. Move to Australia Molly! We have Australia Day on 26th January. Four day weekend for Easter, Anzac Day holiday in April, Labor Day in May and Wueens birthday in June. All public holidays and usually on Mondays. We have a public holiday for the exhibition in August and four days off for Christmas. Are you feeling a little jealous? That’s why Aussie are so laid back lol ?

    • A little jealous? How about so much jealousy I have bile bubbling up into my throat choking me. If only my family would come with me, I’d be living in Australia tomorrow, Sue! You Aussies know how to relax. Plus I love Australian wine. Can you get me a Visa?

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