I don’t usually get involved in political rhetoric for fear of becoming homicidal, and spending my retirement behind bars. And I look dreadful in orange. Plus I don’t want to think about the last time I wore a jumpsuit.
Anyway, with the election intensifying, I’ve become entangled in some of the Bernie brouhaha.
I took a pen in hand and wrote him a letter.
I know you appeal to Millennials, and Generation XYZ, but I have some ideas to help you capture baby boomers’ hearts and votes.
Since I worked two jobs earning my degree from a state college, and paid off my modest loans years ago, here is what I want: free plastic surgery. Why should the élite be gorgeous in old age with access to eyelid lifts, liposuction, and Botox. You could benefit from this too, Bernie, and it might make people stop fussing about your advanced mature age.
Buoyed by the courage it took to tackle ATM fees, I suggest you focus on coupons. Do you know how much time and brainpower we waste clipping and saving coupons? And what about carbon emissions driving a 50-mile radius to save $1 on a case of Bounty? Let’s eliminate the coupon system, and give everyone discounts. This is the only fair strategy for those who forget their coupons, or find outdated ones crumpled in the bottom of their purses.
I know you have a plan to pump more money into social security, but why do I have to wait until I’m 66 to draw the full amount? Who is going to tell Gen X they will be working until they are…er….your age? I think we should get the maximum monthly check whenever we retire. Should we be penalized for graciously creating jobs for the unemployed?
This is a leap year, and those who live in the northern hemisphere will experience an additional subzero February day. Maybe the younger crowd loves the cold, but I see it as an extra day to suffer arthritis pain. Is this equitable when those in Australia enjoy a summer bonus day every four years? And how does this affect their global warming trends? I propose a trade agreement with the southern hemisphere for an extra day in June every eight years.
Before you establish Medicare for everyone, please revoke annual ‘wellness exams.’ There is no evidence to suggest this improves health, and it causes harm from the shock of the yearly weigh in. With the billions you’ll save by outlawing these exams, you will have funds for important things. Like my plastic surgery.
I am thrilled that you support vacations for everyone, but could you take it a step further, and guarantee me an annual trip to Florida? I watch with envy as the affluent 1% pack up their Airstreams, and head south at the first threat of a cold snap. Coming from the northeast, it is shocking this isn’t on your campaign ‘to do’ list.
I hope my suggestions can boost baby boomer loyalty. Unfortunately, Hillary has cemented most of the superdelegates’ votes, so you have a ‘Vermont snowball’s chance in Florida’ of winning the nomination. I’m counting on her plan to cure Alzheimer’s by 2025 to keep me from wandering off into ‘dementia-ville.’ Despite my sagging eyelids and cellulite, my brain will be forever young.
An Uneasy Baby Boomer
What would you add to this wish list? What are your ‘Bernie-ng’ desires?