The calendar has declared the arrival of spring, even though we are still sporting coats, boots and mittens to fend off frostbite. Since I am the Queen of Superficial Cleaning, I feel it is my duty to share some valuable spring cleaning strategies.
- Start with uplifting music blaring loud enough to drown out the whirr of the vacuum cleaner. My favorite is ‘Art of Celebration’ performed by the experimental Christian rock band ‘Rend Collective.’ Hearing this motivating music inspired by the power of God makes me ‘More Than a Conqueror’ and curtails swearing. And drinking. Definitely drinking.
- Record a video showing step-by-step instructions on how the windows tilt out for future reference. You can’t depend on husband hearing your screams when you get sandwiched between the panes of the Magnum Double Hung. And you don’t want to risk losing consciousness, when you take a toke of argon gas after breaking the window seal.
- When washing windows, especially the sliders, do not look back. It’s not worth doubling your OCD meds to determine whether the remaining dog snot is on the inside or the outside. Just be happy you abolished a single layer and move on.
- I use a homemade window cleaner for my infrequent window washing tasks. I don’t think it leaves streaks, but I’m not sure, because I don’t look back. When you mix it in a used Shout® container, remember to add a legible label. It works well as a spot remover, but your clothes will smell like vinegar.
- We have a trashcan at the end of the couch, and all winter we hoard tissues that absorb slime from viral infections. Rather than discard, I send them to the Centers for Disease Control, so they can utilize them for studies. This doubles as spring cleaning and a public health service, since it guarantees a better match for next year’s flu shot. You’re welcome.
- Do not attempt to install the screen door by yourself. If you do, and a black plastic thingy goes flying, chase it until you retrieve it. Then turn the job over to a professional (husband who is an engineer).
- Don’t probe for dirt, e.g. look under furniture. When that hibernating beast is ready, it will awaken on its own. Consider installing dirt colored vinyl and carpets for maximum camouflage.
- Save food encrusted dishes for a week prior to the spring cleaning extravaganza. When your husband finishes raking, mulching, trimming trees, splitting and stacking wood, he is going to need to soak his hands for hours to remove the imbedded pitch and grime.
- Be sure the first thing he washes is your wine glass. Then pour yourself a refreshing portion of Sauvignon Blanc, hoist your swollen feet onto the ottoman, and relax. Stare directly into the 40-inch flat screen of your Magnavox, avoiding glances that reveal dangling cobwebs from the ceiling, or fly specks on the wall. The only thing left on your to-do list is to snicker while watching old episodes of Frasier on Netflix.
What shallow spring cleaning tips can you share?
To help you muster the strength to tackle the filth that accumulated over the long, dark months of winter, I’ve added a link to “More Than Conquerors.” Remember, nothing is impossible!