12 Christmas gifts for (mostly) what ails us

How are you progressing with your Christmas shopping? Tired of buying ties, electronics and cheap plastic stuff for people who have everything?

One evening while watching a Christmas commercial followed by a drug commercial, ten of my remaining brain cells leaped like lords.

What if we bought Christmas presents for what ails us? This would create a whole new world of profit for Big Pharma, and broaden the capacity of Christmas gift giving.

Tablets, pills, vitamins in winter composition. Christmas and New Year health concept. Close up. Selective focus.

Photo courtesy depositphotos, used with permission: edits by author

Here are some ideas to target the wheezin’ for the season:

  1. Jingle Balls: Dad doesn’t need another can of mixed nuts when he is focused on his nuts’ needs. This bathtub shaped basket comes with a year’s supply of Cialis® and a mixed CD of hard rock, doo-wop, and funk that lasts exactly four hours. If he is still going strong when the music stops, it’s time to give the doctor a jingle.
  2. Nutcracker: Now that Dad is back in rhythm, Mom needs a measure of libido. A stockpile of the new female sex enhancement drug Flibanserin®, should bring her desire to a crescendo. Since her performance will last about 15 minutes, a copy of War and Peace is part of the package. This will help her fall asleep, despite Little Drummer Boy percussing beside her for the next 3 hours and 45 minutes.
  3. Holly Jolly Jublia®: This stocking stuffer is perfect for the person on your Christmas list who has thick, blackened hoofs impersonating toenails. Hopefully, by next summer’s sandal season, the tiny football helmets can come off to reveal feet that don’t induce vomiting.
  4. Joint to the World: A lot of people will buy this expecting bongs and designer weed, but this is for arthritis sufferers. Will Enbrel® improve your golf game? This is a question only Phil Mickelson can answer.
  5. Yule Log (number 2 bestseller): Worshiping at the throne takes on new meaning when you suffer from constipation. Eliminate this heartbreak when you give the gift that induces elimination. Softeners, fiber supplements, laxatives, and enemas are packed in a decorative can. Toilet paper not included.
  6. Hark the Herald Anals Sting: Need to soothe a burning ring of fire? No need to be bummed out. This is a glorious package of hemorrhoidal creams, ointments, and medicated cooling pads. Bonus: inflatable donut.
  7. Tinkle, Tinkle Little Star (number 1 bestseller):  For adults suffering from urgency, leaking and embarrassing accidents, help is in the sleigh. And if pills don’t calm an overactive bladder, toss in some adult diapers, pads and panty liners for insurance.
  8. Ho Ho Ho: STDs don’t take holidays. Stick a bow on some antibiotics, antivirals, and condoms and let the merriment begin! And don’t assume there is an age limit, as senior citizen communities are oozing with cases of drug-resistant gonorrhea.
  9. Do You See What I See?: There won’t be a dry eye in the house when your loved one opens this. Artificial tears, gels, and ointments transform red, irritated eyes in the twinkling of an eye drop.
  10. Up the Chimney He Flu: Start popping Tamaflu® at the first sign of fever, chills, and cough. You’ll forget about upper respiratory symptoms when side effects of nausea color you evergreen. For convenience, this gift comes in a festive barf bag.
  11. Chest Pain Roasting on an Open Fire: Is it a heart attack or heartburn? What a delight to tear into this assortment of nitroglycerin, Tums®, Pepcid®, and Nexium®. If this doesn’t quench the flames, dial 911.
  12. Fruitcake: A loaf of Valium® to sedate victims of delirium, a common side effect of many prescriptions medications.

I realize this list is incomplete, and there are dozens of ailments begging for relief with innovative drugs. Put together your wish list, and you can have visions of sugar-coated pills dancing in your head this Christmas.

But please don’t leave cookies and milk out for Santa. He’s got diabetes.

Does this change how you will shop this year? Can you suggest more gifts remedies for those who need a Christmas miracle?

Christmas gifts for (almost) everything that ails us


©2015, Stevens. All rights reserved.

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43 thoughts on “12 Christmas gifts for (mostly) what ails us

    • Oh, Diana, I think you’ve just planted the seed for a January blog post. I better get to work as that is right around the corner! Thanks for reading and leaving a comment. Glad You got a laugh out of the post.

    • Reba, you’ve got the right idea. I like your can-do attitude. Together we will conquer this Christmas gift giving season and come out stronger and healthier! Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.

    • Ah, Mithra, I’m glad you’ve embraced the Ho Ho Ho aspect of the holidays. Laughter will soothe our sore backs and bank accounts as we slog through it all, right? Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

  1. It’s my Christmas shopping weekend with the gal pals and this certainly is a great list of ideas! Awesome and I’ll definitely be referring back to this list for future gifts. Great stuff!

    • What perfect timing Laurie! So glad I could help you with your Christmas list. Your gift-ees are going to be so happy this Christmas! Now you’ve challenged me to a part 2. Guess I better get cracking. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

  2. Thank you so much for the gift ideas! I have picked out a few for myself but I know several around my tree that will be so excited to open their gifts this year. So helpful. So accommodating. How could they not love it?

    • Really, Rev, I think there is something for everyone on this list, don’t you? And so much joy as people get some relief this year. I KNOW it is going to be a great gift-giving season and I’m glad to be contributing to the frenzy. Thanks for embracing my novel ideas.

    • Thanks for appreciating the blog post GypsyNester. I had only 10 initially and #6 weaseled its way in while I was driving home from work the night before I posted the list. It seemed so obvious after it popped into my warped mind. Thanks so much for stopping by and making my day with a comment.

    • There is no shame in needing these items Marcia. In fact, it would be so un-American if you did not need them. I had so much fun writing this, I felt like if even one person read it and laughed, it would be a bonus. So glad you enjoyed it! You made my day by reading and leaving a comment.

    • That was a popular remedy in years past, Katy, especially for menopausal symptoms. Oh, to return to the good old days…..Maybe I’ll have to do another list of ‘old-fashioned’ remedies for ailments. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.

  3. Oh, the gift basket possibilities are delightful, especially for our contemporaries with multiple maladies. A perfect post for this time of year (and this time of our lives), Molly. Well done!

    • I agree there is a lot of potential here, Roxanne. There could be an expansion into birthdays too. I’m finally going to see some income from my blog when I get commissions from all the drug companies. Woohoo!

  4. I have to confess, I laughed so hard writing this post I had to open Gift #7 before Christmas due to a little ‘accident.’ I hope you have as much fun with it as I did while writing it. Please don’t tell Santa I opened a gift early. I’m already on bad terms with the old guy.

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