Tired of bringing unimaginative gifts to the company holiday party? I consulted with my inner elf, and we had a brainstorming session on how to make a splash at your next office gift exchange.
The first rule of successful gift buying is tuning in to the characteristics of the person unfortunate enough to have you draw his or her name. Then let your fantasies run wild.
Here are twelve amazing gift ideas for:
- The ‘nonsmoker’ who smokes. Every organization has someone who checks ‘non-smoker’ on her annual health risk assessment, disappears during lunchtime, and induces asthma attacks when she returns to her workstation. See how she responds when you take out a loan and buy her a case of cigarettes.
- The man who adjusts himself. Two golf balls in a personalized Santa sack should be a suitable substitute for his compulsive need to realign.
- The menopausal woman. For the woman who experiences nonstop hot flashes and mood swings, a home pregnancy test can arouse a fun reaction. Warning: don’t sit across from her when she opens this gift unless your outfit matches eggnog.
- The flatulator. Pretending it is someone else has never worked well when working in tight quarters. So pull the plug on this facade by presenting your odiferous coworker with a hefty supply of Gas-X and a spray bottle of Febreeze.
- The vegetarian. After weeks of dawdling over creamed kale and drooling over your delectable cheeseburgers, grant him his heart’s desire – a year’s supply of beef jerky.
- The pain in the butt. Present this inflammatory coworker with the ultimate self-improvement package – a pile of hemorrhoid remedies.
- The potluck freeloader. A recipe book with simple crockpot concoctions and a bookmark that reads, “We will hold you accountable” should discourage the most hardened smorgasbord moocher.
- The boss’s pet. Make it official with an adorable brown nose that straps on with a comfy elastic band.
- The martyr. Give her endless material for the upcoming year with coupons granting her the opportunity to work every holiday.
- The outspoken Republican. A copy of Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
- The outspoken Democrat. A copy of Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
- The groper. Watch him perspire when you arrange for law enforcement to crash the party issuing a warrant for his arrest. This gift would be a massive hit at the U.S congressional holiday shindig.
As so often happens, I realized many of these gifts were perfect for me, so I bought doubles and gave myself a few extra ‘surprises’ to unwrap.
For the record, Gas-X doesn’t work, and Febreeze is a pitiful excuse for an air freshener. I must say the hemorrhoid medications were a godsend. Especially after plowing through all that beef jerky. Which I ate while everyone else was gorging at the potluck.
Hope you have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and a Happy Kwanza. I’ll be working. Wearing my brown nose.
What great gift ideas can you add to this list?