What else is on the chopping block this Thanksgiving?

Shocking exclusive shallow investigative report:  

Thanksgiving is in jeopardy of losing its status as a holiday.

According to unreliable sources (my own imagination) there was trouble when the Boss of All Holidays did an annual performance review of Thanksgiving.

Here is the Boss’s evaluation obtained from an informant who had big enough brussel sprouts to feed us the inside scoop.

If Donald Trump is elected, don’t expect any presidential pardon (photo edits by author)

Hey turkey, if Donald Trump is elected, don’t expect any presidential pardon (photo courtesy depositphoto: edits by author)

Decorations:  How many variations are there on a turkey, cornucopia and corn stalk? Giant Halloween pumpkins leer down at natural looking artificial Christmas trees in big box stores, tempting shoppers to buy more adornments for these highly decorated holidays.

Rating: Unimaginative

Tree top angel

Straddled between two heavy hitters, Thanksgiving tries desperately to fit in (photo by Shallow Reflections)

Food:  Let’s face food facts. Thanksgiving is a pause between Halloween candy and Christmas cookies to force down some vegetables. We do manage to sweeten up sweet potatoes with marshmallows, but what about the turnip and parsnips? And the waves of nausea as quivering Jello salads with mystery crunchies make the rounds?

Rating: Ewwwww!

Productivity: Maybe the women of the family are active slicing, dicing and basting, but overall the family’s buns are firmly settled on the sofa. Watching parades and football, followed by tryptophan-induced naps, do not cook up motivation.

Rating: Low with simmering resentment from cooks and dishwashers

Profitability: We associate Thanksgiving profits with 1) Black Friday, which is really about Christmas; 2) gravy, but not the kind you put in the bank. To make matters worse, the date varies from 11/22 – 11/28. Do you realize how horrible it is for Christmas when the holiday lands on 11/28, robbing this gift buying frenzy of six whole days? And when you pause to give thanks for what you have, how can you focus on your unsatisfied desires?

Rating: So poor, it doesn’t even show up on a pie chart

pie chart

Not even a single slice of holiday pie

Safety: The avian flu has spread through this years’ fresh turkey population, killing off millions. Apparently the disease has not affected the frozen turkey supply, casting suspicion on the age of this culinary demographic. How many years has Tom been frozen to miss out on this scourge? How do they protect the future frozen turkeys of America?

Rating: Questionable

turkey with mask

I survived the Avian Flu

Family Ties: For Halloween we have fun dressing up in disguises, and at Christmas we focus on gifts. At Thanksgiving there is no buffer at the buffet to prevent diversion with fists. Would family bonds be stronger by eliminating this gluttonous, knife-bearing get-together with loved ones who have a wishbone to pick? And tongues sharpened by shots of Jack Daniels?

Rating: Conflicted

Based on preliminary findings from this evaluation, could Thanksgiving hear these chilling words?

“We are going to have to let you go.”

I am personally outraged at this possibility, since I love turnip, and close family sharing political beliefs at high decibels. With this year’s controversial presidential campaign, the projected crop of outrage will be bountiful, along with a horn of plenty brimming with material for future therapy sessions.

If you need some humor to starve depressing thoughts of no more turkey leftovers, check out a clip from one of my favorite Thanksgiving sit-com episodes.

How do you rate the Thanksgiving holiday? What are some of your favorite things about it? What would you say to the Boss of All Holidays in its defense? What is your favorite Thanksgiving sit-com scene?

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29 thoughts on “What else is on the chopping block this Thanksgiving?

  1. As a Brit, I found Thanksgiving very strange when I lived in the States. Mostly because I felt it stole part of Christmas. The turkey part, mostly. Turkey is Christmas dinner. Why are you eating turkey in November and giving me ham for Christmas?? Ham! I won’t lie, it was a struggle. There were tears. Though I suppose it is fitting to celebrate stealing a country from the people who lived there by stealing my Christmas dinner… 😉

    • I do too, Mandi. Unfortunately the attention seems to go with the money and there hasn’t been much in the way of big bucks rolling into Thanksgiving. I’ll still treasure its simplicity and what it stands for – dysfunctional family times and lots of food!

  2. Funny, and of course contains many elements of truth. I have always loved Thanksgiving, though, despite the pall of family drama that always crops up on this day. I love the idea of it, the food, and the simplicity of enjoying a holiday without all the decorative trappings and gifts. It’s probably why I hate the new trend of beginning Christmas shopping on Thanksgiving Day itself. Give it a rest, people!

    • I hate it too Colleen. I think Thanksgiving should have more time to just be….Thanksgiving. We don’t have the huge family gatherings now that my parents have passed, and I so miss them along with the drama. Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

  3. Love this! Really needed this laugh as the stressful season cometh…
    Thanksgiving is my favorite. We start the day with the parade and bloody marys, which makes cooking secondary. I also get to hear my honey’s prayer thanking God for food, football and the forefathers in no particular order.
    Hope you keep in the rotation and that you have a happy one!

    • You have a great line up, Rev. I like the idea of Bloody Mary’s early in the day and your honey’s prayer is priceless! I will not give up Thanksgiving without a fight, and it’s good to know there are many other supporters out there who feel the same way. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

  4. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because calories don’t count at ALL on that day. I can gorge on mashed potatoes, stuffing and pools of gravy. Forget the scales that day—time to indulge in the foods that I normally only get to fantasize about!

  5. I love your humorous style, Molly. But seriously 🙂 , Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I like that we ‘officially’ have an opportunity to pause our busyness and remember being grateful for WHO and WHAT we have in our lives. I like that this holiday unites people… (am I the only one who feels that way?) and I love traditions and rituals….

  6. What a fabulous and fun look at the frivolousness of Thanksgiving, Molly. Being Canadian, I can safely stay out of the debate, as we celebrate in October, so our Thanksgiving doesn’t infringe on the mania of Christmas you U.S. residents have. Based on your argument though, I would have to say give Thanksgiving its walking papers, save a lot of turkeys and a lot of stress and just be grateful eating whatever vegetables you love with family and friends. Very clever and witty post to read too! Thanks!

    • You Canadians definitely have the Holidays spread out better than we do here in the States Beverley. In Maine we are so close to Canada, I think we should adopt the Canadian dates. Then Thanksgiving could get the attention it deserves! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

  7. Thanksgiving is a bridge holiday between Halloween and Christmas. Being from Cape Cod it is indeed a special holiday for me and celebrated in a big way up here. I view Thanksgiving as the gratitude bridge that is a mixture of good treats and giving thanks for the little things in life that keep us alive, like food.

  8. OMG, Molly Stevens, you are hilarious! I was snorting right out loud and scared the dog, who, by the way, has a vested interest in keeping Thanksgiving on the calendar since leftover-wise, it’s a pretty good holiday for him. I’m voting two left-to-moderate wings up for Thanksgiving now that my hard right-wing ex-brother-in-law is no longer at the table. Turnips all around on me!

    • I’m glad you join me in supporting the continuation of Thanksgiving. And that you had a good laugh at the dog’s expense. Left-to-moderate turkey wings are my favorites, along with the turnip! Thanks for stopping by Lee and leaving a comment. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this holiday season, coming on the heels of the loss of your beloved sister. xoxo

  9. Favorite things about Thanksgiving? Being old enough to make my own traditions around the holiday–like not spending it with family if I really don’t want to! And turnip. Definitely turnip.

  10. I rate Thanksgiving with an “Amen!”
    Why you ask?
    Allow me to explain.
    Because diets go out the window on this marvelous holiday! This holiday cannot be taken away, because then half of the women in the world would go on strike. This, this would not be good.
    My favorite sitcom? THIS ONE!
    It recently became my favorite. One of the doctors at my work…oops! I mean, they call her a nurse, but really I think she could pass for a nurse practitioner), showed us this clip. She’s funny. You two would get along. Maybe you could meet sometime.
    Anyhow,
    I don’t want to hear the boss of all holidays would say, I’ll stuff his mouth w stuffing so he can’t take it away- so there!
    Gobble! Gobble!

  11. Thanksgiving means I can start my marathon moving watching of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles without anyone judging me. Please pass the drumstick and move over about two feet. I can’t see my tv screen. *grin*

    • We are on the same gratitude page, Blogdramedy. One of our non-negotiable traditions is to crack up watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. With bellies full of turkey, it hurts to laugh, but we do it anyway. Our aerobic exercise for the day. 🙂

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