Recipe for no curse dessert

I struggled when I tried to make Lemon Meringue pies for the church pie sale, and my litany of profanity made them more colorful than confetti cakes. Since then I have abandoned baking anything that requires a culinary arts degree. And during the 2-3 hot days we have in Maine during the summer, I refuse to sweat swear over a 450 degree oven.

My love affair with cake prompted me to create an easy, cool recipe that excludes offensive ingredients, like curses and frustration. So here is my version of Pineapple Upside Down Cake that I’ve named ‘No Curse Dessert.’

No Curse Dessert

This will be an entry for the next church cookbook

  • Serves: 1-8 depending on how desperate you are for cake
  • Prep time:  47 seconds
  • Total time:  30 minutes
  • Cook time: 0 minutes – Yippee!

Ingredients:

  • 1 angel food cake
  • 1 can of pineapple rings
  • 1 jar of maraschino cherries
  • 1 can of whipped cream

Instructions: 

  1. Open plastic lid from angel food cake. This is time consuming, since the lid is securely fastened welded. If you have toddlers around, you could have them open it. If not, go to Plan B.

    Opening cake

    I keep this handy tool in the utensil drawer

  2. Carefully remove plastic lid, as there is risk of cuts from its razor-sharp edges. I did pretty well and only needed one Band-Aid.

    cut with blood

    Cherry juice will cover up these stains

  3. Open can of pineapple. Notice I sprung for Dole, which costs $0.39 more than the store brand, and has a convenient pop-top for opening. Trust me when I tell you NOT TO USE THE POP-TOP, unless you relish an emergency room visit for repair of a laceration. Note: add 7 hours to total prep time if you choose to use the pop-top.

    pineapple can

    I learned the hard way to use a can opener

  4. Extricate a jar of maraschino cherries that you have had in the back of your refrigerator since 2003.

    cherries

    I found sour cream that expired in 2013. Wonder if it’s still good….

  5. Place a ring of pineapple and a cherry on a cute dessert plate, because something this elegant deserves your best Chinet.

    IMG_3779

    Every day is Christmas with a dessert like this!

  6. Place generous piece of angel cake on top of the fruit.

    Cake layers

    It is important to assemble the layers in the correct order

  7. Open canister of REAL whipped cream. Note: DO NOT SUBSTITUTE. Would you really want to use ‘whipped topping’ on your genuine Dole pineapple?

    whipped cream can

    It’s not brain surgery but it’s close

  8. Take a hit of nitrous oxide, because you are tense after step 7.

    Laughing with whipped cream

    Pft…Pt..Pt..SH..FFFFFFFFFFFFFF……SSSSS

  9. Smother your layered masterpiece  with delicious REAL whipped cream. Molly with No Curse Dessert

Do you have a recipe for a sweet summer ‘No Curse Dessert’  you can share? Do you like angel cake? Does it make you feel angelic when you eat it? Do you know how to get whipped cream out of your nose? Do you use aprons when you ‘cook?’ Do you think I should repair the pocket of my apron, or do you like the well-worn look? When I’m finished eating cake I promise to respond to all your answers and comments.

©2016, Stevens. All rights reserved.

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18 thoughts on “Recipe for no curse dessert

    • I wish I could say this recipe is delicious, Carol, but alas, it tastes like cardboard. It is definitely easy though and with enough real whipped cream I was able to eat a piece of it. I wouldn’t recommend it though. 🙂

  1. I’m impressed you own an apron (even a slightly torn one) I’ve got one in the back of the cupboard somewhere I’m sure – it’d probably in direct sunlight!

    • My mother made aprons and always kept me supplies. I’m down to the last three and they are wearing out. It makes me sad as I love her aprons. I have one that she had cut out and had not sewed yet at the time of her death, and I’m trying to talk my son into giving it a try. He is much better with the sewing machine that I am. These aprons are not only practical but special to me as I feel like I get a hug from my mother when I put one on. 🙂

  2. Ha, ha, I think a no curse animated cookbook could be a best seller! Not sure if it should go in the cooking section or comic relief section, either way it would be worth the price just to see what next you would come up with!! I really did laugh out loud 🙂

  3. Maybe you leave the apron pocket as is, but invest in a tool belt for the next time you make dessert! It is apparent that you use the heavy duty tools when you ahem, ‘bake’. This was a great post! Love your humor!

    • Thank you Susan. I like your suggestion. I see a market for a whole new line of cooking utensils/tools. If Martha Stewart had thought of this, she might have found an alternative way out of serving her entire jail sentence. Ha!

  4. Hahahaha!!!!!
    Now, this is my kind of prep. I may need to get the handy ole fiancé in on this one. He seems to be less inclined to blood shed than I.
    I think you should leave your apron just how it is; it adds character. Oh, and if you get a really big stain on it and burn a hole through it, you might become furious and begin to spit out profane words if it were a pretty new one. I almost put an apron on my wedding gift registry. I don’t know why I didn’t. I probably got distracted like I tend to do quite often. I really should get one. I really am a reckless slob when I want to be.
    I think I probably have gotten whipped cream up my nose. I do have to say though, I am really not sure how I ever got it out. Maybe it’s still up there. Huh. Maybe I should get that checked out.
    I tend to get a little messy when I eat. I really dive right in. In fact, I really look forward to the “cake-scapades” at my wedding this fall. You know, when the bride and groom shove a big piece of cake in the others’ face? Yeah, that part. It gives me an excuse to be the utter slob I like to be, (as I mentioned above), all the while satiating my precious sweet tooth. This is a good plan. I’m really starting to like it.
    I actually feel kind of devilish when I eat angel food cake. Perhaps it’s the chocolate and peanut butter melted toppings and thick whipped cream I like to add. Not sure.
    You should make a shallow recipe book. I would use it for everything! Shallow minds think alike!

    • “Cake-scapades” – I love it! I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels a bit satanic, I mean devilish, while eating angel cake. A shallow recipe book….hmmmmm. I’ll have to don my ‘thinking apron’ on that one. Enlisting your fiance for the dangerous steps while cooking is an excellent idea! As for getting at the whipped cream, it may be better to leave it where it is. Then the whole world will smell sweeter. Unless it sours, and then we’re in big trouble!

  5. GREAT recipe that I will rush to try. But by far my favorite bit in this blog was how you gave us one more tidbit. Just when I thought you were finished, you mentioned your torn apron pocket. I had not noticed the tear, but enjoyed that last little surprise ending!

    • Thanks for the vote of confidence on the recipe. I should have stressed that you need to be very desperate for cake to fully enjoy this sad little dessert. But as you know, with my torn apron pocket, I’ve already pretty much given up. Haha!

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