I’ve been in a rut lately, and suddenly it seemed like an eternity since I’d had a break from work. When I calculated the duration between New Year’s Day and Memorial Day, which is the next holiday my company observes, I exclaimed, “Holy 148 days Batman! That is a long time between holidays!”
I don’t like to highlight a problem without proposing a solution, so here’s my revised holiday schedule.
January – How much more fun would New Year’s weekend be if you knew you had three days to party, make resolutions, and get your paperwork organized for tax season? Yes, that’s right. I’m proposing we commemorate the New Year on the first Monday of January.
February – Not everyone observes Presidents’ Day, but they do watch the Super Bowl. Half of the country is elated and needs time to watch highlights while the other half needs a bereavement day. If we had the Monday off after Super Bowl, I believe everyone would be productive and ready to focus on Tuesday morning.
March – Let’s start a three-day bash on the third Friday in March to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Then we’ll have two days to recover so we’re capable of returning to work Monday long enough to resign. Provided we actually found the pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow, that is.
April – Good Friday and Easter Monday. This is the biggest Christian holiday of the year and even if you aren’t Christian would you oppose stretching your Easter egg hunt over a four-day period? Added bonus: time to polish off twenty-pound solid chocolate bunny you bought for your grandsons that you decided not to give them because you know how bad sugar is for their health.
May – Memorial weekend is long awaited since it is possible it has been 148 days since your last holiday. If you aren’t hospitalized with an acute psychosis this is a fantastic opportunity to honor the beginning of tourist season.
June – It is a crying shame to work the longest day of the year. I propose basking in sunlight the Monday closest to Summer Solstice, absorbing enough Vitamin D to prevent future absenteeism due to brittle bones.
July – Our nation was ‘born’ on July 4th but do we have to be so literal? Would the Founding People be upset if we celebrated on the first Monday of July? I believe they would favor boosting America’s battered morale with three days of parades: one for democrats, one for republicans, and one for supporters of Bernie in 2020.
August – Hallmark invents holidays to sell cards and gifts and Hershey joins the festivities. Let’s follow their example and forge a BBQ holiday to hike sales for meat and BBQ sauce. This would also give us respite from the incessant candy binge associated with the traditional holidays.
September – I can’t improve on Labor Day weekend and thankfully it is always on a Monday. This gives me time to grieve the passing of summer alone in my room. Without having anyone ask questions about why my eyes are red and swollen.
October – Columbus Day is controversial, so let’s ditch it and start celebrating Halloween with a haunting four-day weekend at the end of the month. This would balance the April Easter holiday by including something for pagans.
November – day off after Thanksgiving for everyone. Black Friday is not a single day but lasts four weeks between Christmas and Thanksgiving and beyond. I think retail workers should have two days to relax and let their turkey dinners settle before they suffer heartburn facing frenzied shoppers.
December – Have you ever had your birthday party on a weekend instead of your actual birthday? Wasn’t it more fun? Do you think Jesus would care if we celebrated his birthday on a Monday? An added bonus would be having Christmas eve off since we aren’t the perkiest poinsettias in the floral shop that day anyway.
While on the subject of birthdays, shouldn’t we have our own birthday off? Well, not our actual birthday of course. After celebrating our weekend party we could hang loose Monday and eat cake for breakfast.
Who wants to sign my petition and join the movement to “Make America Relaxed For a Change?” What are your suggestions for an improved holiday schedule?