Dear Bernie….a boomer’s wish list

I don’t usually get involved in political rhetoric for fear of becoming homicidal, and spending my retirement behind bars. And I look dreadful in orange. Plus I don’t want to think about the last time I wore a jumpsuit.

Anyway, with the election intensifying, I’ve become entangled in some of the Bernie brouhaha.

Courtesy Depositphotos_sgtphoto with edits by Shallow Reflections™

Courtesy Depositphotos_sgtphoto with edits by Shallow Reflections™

I took a pen in hand and wrote him a letter.

Dear Bernie,

I know you appeal to Millennials, and Generation XYZ, but I have some ideas to help you capture baby boomers’ hearts and votes.

Since I worked two jobs earning my degree from a state college, and paid off my modest loans years ago, here is what I want:  free plastic surgery. Why should the élite be gorgeous in old age with access to eyelid lifts, liposuction, and Botox. You could benefit from this too, Bernie, and it might make people stop fussing about your advanced mature age.

Buoyed by the courage it took to tackle ATM fees, I suggest you focus on coupons. Do you know how much time and brainpower we waste clipping and saving coupons? And what about carbon emissions driving a 50-mile radius to save $1 on a case of Bounty? Let’s eliminate the coupon system, and give everyone discounts. This is the only fair strategy for those who forget their coupons, or find outdated ones crumpled in the bottom of their purses.

I know you have a plan to pump more money into social security, but why do I have to wait until I’m 66 to draw the full amount? Who is going to tell Gen X they will be working until they are…er….your age? I think we should get the maximum monthly check whenever we retire. Should we be penalized for graciously creating jobs for the unemployed?

This is a leap year, and those who live in the northern hemisphere will experience an additional subzero February day. Maybe the younger crowd loves the cold, but I see it as an extra day to suffer arthritis pain. Is this equitable when those in Australia enjoy a summer bonus day every four years? And how does this affect their global warming trends? I propose a trade agreement with the southern hemisphere for an extra day in June every eight years.

Before you establish Medicare for everyone, please revoke annual ‘wellness exams.’ There is no evidence to suggest this improves health, and it causes harm from the shock of the yearly weigh in. With the billions you’ll save by outlawing these exams, you will have funds for important things. Like my plastic surgery.

I am thrilled that you support vacations for everyone, but could you take it a step further, and guarantee me an annual trip to Florida? I watch with envy as the affluent 1% pack up their Airstreams, and head south at the first threat of a cold snap. Coming from the northeast, it is shocking this isn’t on your campaign ‘to do’ list.

I hope my suggestions can boost baby boomer loyalty. Unfortunately, Hillary has cemented most of the superdelegates’ votes, so you have a ‘Vermont snowball’s chance in Florida’ of winning the nomination. I’m counting on her plan to cure Alzheimer’s by 2025 to keep me from wandering off into ‘dementia-ville.’ Despite my sagging eyelids and cellulite, my brain will be forever young.

Sincerely,

An Uneasy Baby Boomer

What would you add to this wish list? What are your ‘Bernie-ng’ desires?

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20 thoughts on “Dear Bernie….a boomer’s wish list

  1. That’s hilarious! What would I add to the list? The right to punch under 25s in the mouth whenever they say anything mildly offensive to us over 50s. Oh yes, and the same right whenever they even LOOK at us the wrong way. Or even, how about just send all the under 25s somewhere very far away from the over 50s so we never have to deal with their withering looks again they beep our haemorrhoid cream through the supermarket checkout.

    • Hahaha! What we know is their day of needing hemorrhoid cream is coming. I’ll be toddering around with a walker, drooling when they are lining up to buy it. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment, Gilly.

  2. I usually stay away from politics & religion but my hubby loves Bernie (hubby is 83) I my niche are boomers, so how could I pass this up? I even hoped I could get some good ideas to pitch my jewelry. But I couldn’t stop laughing & that’s a good thing cause laughing is good for our health & brain power. Maybe add that to the wish list- We all get something outrageous daily that produces a belly laugh & its free.

    • The candidates have given us lots to laugh about if we see the humor in the situation. Come back next week, Rosyln, when I have a humorous post about ‘The Donald.’ Thanks for stopping by and having a laugh with me.

  3. As a Canadian, where we just elected a young and handsome prime minister, I have to admit I am intrigued by Bernie and am one boomer who knows I would vote for him if I could. What I love about Bernie, even though he’s a Virgo, is he has the Uranian revolutionary “hippie value” system that we birthed into the world back in the 60s. Everything he stands for speaks to me and if he added your few suggestions…he’d win over even more of us boomers and maybe even have a chance of winning in November. Thanks for the great read as always, Mollie. I’m feeling the Bern up here in Toronto!

    • Oh how I envy you with your young, hot prime minister! Bernie would be perfect if he adopted my suggestions, especially since he is a Virgo. LOL. Glad you are feeling the Bern across the border. And thanks for your comment.

    • True Antionette. Maybe they both need hearing aides. Otherwise we might need them, right? There is another item for the wishlist! Free hearing aides for all of us boomers with hearing loss from all the rhetoric. Thanks for visiting and making a comment.

  4. I didn’t even want to read this post because the title means that politics is involved. But I am so glad I ignored my disdain for politics and read this. So hilarious! I’m all for your platform of free plastic surgery. I could totally get behind that issue.

    • I’m glad you gave it read, Rev. I hate politics too but couldn’t resist writing this letter to Bernie. Next week I have something ready for The Donald that should bring a chuckle. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

  5. Omgosh. Finally, a political post that made me smile. I’m soooo dreading this election. On the plus side I have managed to eliminate two of those running so I feel somewhat ahead of the game but honestly, for me it’s going to come down to choosing the lesser of two evils. How lame is that??

    • There is a lot of entertainment value to the lead up to the election so far. Glad I could make you smile midst all the political bashing going on. I am with you on trying to choose the lesser of evils. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

  6. What a great read!! I read it to Dave and we giggled and giggled. Not in mockery, but in definite agreement. Dave certainly agreed with the “Viagra” idea. That silly boy.

  7. Since Bern will, without a doubt, continue the “free” contraceptive flow to the “knockupables” among us, he should provide Viagra and the like to older boys among us so we can help out the younger boys among us.

    • I thought of one after I posted this. Boomer’s still in the workforce shall not work past 3:30PM in order to ensure a place setting at an early bird special. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, Kim.

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