Breaking news: Jesus is alive, disciples miss the boat

On Palm Sunday I read my essay about Holy Week at church. The congregation asked me to write something for Holy Humor Sunday which I read last week, the Sunday after Easter. Other than getting the microphone tangled up in my hair it went pretty well. Here it is:

Good morning. This is your humble reporter from ECNN, Early Christian News Network with breaking news about the death and resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth.

A couple of weeks ago we reported a fair and balanced story about how the disciples didn’t get it when Jesus told them he would die and three days later rise from the dead. The disciples or chosen twelve were at the right hand of Jesus during his entire ministry absorbing his teachings. How they could be so dense after Jesus’ death?

Here is an eyewitness account of their interaction with the newly resurrected Christ.

A couple of disciples were walking on the road to Emmaus rehashing recent events when someone they didn’t recognize joined the conversation.

The ‘stranger’ who was actually Jesus asked, “What’s up?”

Cleopas responded, “Did you just crawl out from under a rock? Are you the only one who doesn’t know what happened?”

Jesus wanted to shout, ”Hey, I lived it brother so I know a thing or two about it!” But instead he played dumb and said, “What are you talking about?”

They recalled the week’s developments culminating in the brutal death of Jesus on the cross saying, “He was a prophet, did some amazing things in the name of God, and was a terrific speaker.”

And here is the kicker that made Jesus wince and roll his eyes, “We had hoped he was the one who was going to redeem us.”

They continued, “But now he’s dead and a couple of women told us a crazy story about how his body is missing from the grave. Seems an angel told them he is alive (Guffaw). Can you believe that malarkey? We checked the tomb and sure enough, his body is missing. But we haven’t seen a trace of a living Jesus so obviously this is a blatant case of alternate facts.”

Jesus shook his head and groaned.

Photo by Pixaby, edits by author

In other news, the chief priests and Pharisees (unlike the disciples) remembered Jesus’ prophecy and after the crucifixion hustled to Pilate saying, “While Jesus was alive he said he’d rise from the dead after three days. Don’t you think we ought to guard the tomb? Those cagey disciples will likely come and steal the body and claim he really did what he said he would do.”

Pilate agreed and assembled a group of men, providing some speed training for the job.

Let’s run the exclusive footage of their preparation, shall we?

According to a bystander who recorded the events on his smart tablet, there was a violent earthquake and an angel of the Lord moved a boulder to open Jesus’ grave. How did these highly trained guards respond? Unfortunately, they could not nip their fear and after shaking more than the King of Rock and Roll, they fell to the ground in a swoon.

After this dramatic turn of events, the last men standing were….well….women.

Yes, that’s right, folks. Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were at the grave paying their respects when the angel appeared. Were they frightened? You bet! But they remained upright and conscious. The angel confronted them with these questions, “Why are you looking for Jesus in a grave? Don’t you know he has risen from the dead?”

Mary Magdalene, a Jewish woman with black curly hair and dark eyes, 5’4” weighing 130 pounds, and the other Mary wearing a linen toga with a matching belt and veil remembered Jesus prophecy and ran in their designer sandals to tell the disciples that Jesus was alive.

They didn’t believe the women of course. But they did notice that they were soooooooo good-looking.

What happened next? Did the disciples finally remember Jesus’ prophecy? Did they recognize him and believe he was alive? Or did they miss the fishing boat, leaving us to spread the good news? Stay tuned to ECNN where we will be first to report the latest developments in this ongoing story of hope and redemption.

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©2017, Stevens. All rights reserved.

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24 thoughts on “Breaking news: Jesus is alive, disciples miss the boat

    • Thank you Darlene. I like to read the Bible and think about how we would react today to the stories. The messages are timeless and for me more relatable if I put my own spin on them. Which of course includes humor!

  1. Got here from the Salon and am grinning at the report. Elevated to our rightful place indeed – full-fledged, card-carrying members of the human race? Unfortunately, many of the men on this planet still haven’t gotten that particular message either – and a few women are confused as well. ::sigh:: Now we ALL know how Dad feels, lol.

    Keep up the good work!
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to educate a world!”

  2. Great post Molly – made me smile the way you wrote that story. I am still very baffled as to why the birth, death and resurrection anniversaries of Jesus are times when we promote obesity, diabetes and unhealthy eating (and drinking!) habits. I get the egg thing – new life etc but chocolate? Why? Just WHY? Oh wait moneeeeeee!!! I detest what Easter and Christmas have become even though I am not religious beyond promoting kindness, compassion and tolerance.

    • I agree, Gilly, that the promotion of gluttony has overtaken some sacred holidays and I don’t like it either. Except for the drinking. Because Jesus turned water into wine, so I’m thinking that should stay. At any rate, I’m glad I could make you smile and I appreciate you stopping by and leaving a comment!

  3. It’s as if you were there, Molly! I especially liked the fashion commentary on what the ladies were wearing and their physical attributes–always relevant, right? Very funny!

    • Thanks Roxanne. Thought I’d try to ‘modernize’ it a bit with the description of the womens’ physical attributes. Because after all, that is what is vital when reporters acknowledge the contribution of women to a life altering story, right? And if Jesus was human and divine we know the human side of him had to roll his eyes.

    • I just did Bernadette! I’m excited to participate and have already enjoyed meeting some new and excellent bloggers. Thanks for being the first comment on this post. I so appreciate your support.

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